Fast forward five years to 1995 and I’m living in New York City and I discover Labrada has his own line of protein bars called Lean Body. It had been a while since my last protein bar so I was a bit hesitant. I scanned over the flavors and picked up one called Peanut Butter and Jelly. I bit into it and couldn’t believe my tastebuds. UNREAL! It actually tasted amazing. I took the label with me on the subway ride back to Brooklyn, analyzing the ingredient list and trying to figure out how they snuck 30 grams of protein past my esophagus without inducing the gag reflex even once. I was stumped.

Labrada eventually stopped making that particular flavor, saddening me and perhaps the other six people who loved the taste of Goober Grape and weren’t afraid to admit it.

Which brings me back to the present. I’m in my local GNC and I see the elegant reflective wrapping of several Labrada Lean Body Caramel Peanut flavored bars sitting in a box, with — you guessed it — orange discount labels. At just $1.50/bar, I banked on Labrada’s goodwill with me and bought the remaining NINE bars in the box.

Upon first bite, I was impressed, as the milk chocolate coating quickly gave way to a soft underbelly of gooey caramel. But as I chewed more and involved the complete range of tastebuds in my mouth, I detected a sodium overload. Sure, it went down without a fight, but a bit of a sour-salty aftertaste lagged behind. The only remedy was to take another bite of the sweet caramel and so on and so forth as my palette carousel continued to circle around the inescapable truth that this wasn’t the Lean Body Bar I had longed for and missed for so long. No, this had to be an anomaly. Or an impostor. Or so I thought. So I waited a few days and ate another one only to feel the same pangs of disappointment set in after the first bite.

Labrada, how COULD you?

Rating: * (One Star) out of ***** (Five)

Editor’s Note: It’s been nearly two years since I wrote this review and I still have a few bars if anyone is interested. I’d send them to Haiti, but chances are they’d be more suited to construct buildings than to be eaten. Hey, that gives me an idea…

At the 2008 Arnold Classic, while others forage for t-shirts and packets of protein powder samples to take home, I find inner peace and happiness refilling my 2 oz paper cup at the MuscleMilk potpourri booth of magical flavors.  As the dominant product that boasts superior taste, MuscleMilk has had little competition to date. But to my surprise, I found a worthy challenger in a 1 oz dixie cup at the Labrada booth. The Contender: Lean Body Protein Shake available in Vanilla, Banana, or Chocolate.

Finding the Banana flavor at full retail price at my local GNC and going against every rule of my existence, I forked over FOUR DOLLARS (!!!) to see if my pallet receptor memory was still intact. I twisted off the cool patented cap that magically broke the seal and lining and then took a swig.  Mmmmmmmm!!! Like a chemically-enhanced, laboratory-grown banana-pudding-turned-liquid, the flavor shot me a “Wassup, homey!” before gleefully gliding down my esophageal slide.

I tried to stretch my money by drinking half the box, but at just 11 ounces, that’s about as masculine as wondering if Bo and Hope will ever get back together. I did the only manly thing I’ve done this year and slammed down the rest of the box, making sure to throw in a “Hell Yeah!” and fist-pump just in case anyone was watching.

Sure, drinking a banana-flavored protein shake in a cute red and blue box might not label you as the Alpha-Male, but just imagine the confidence you’ll gain knowing that all 40 grams of protein are going straight to your muscles, even if it’s at your wallet’s expense.

Rating: **** (4) out of ***** (5)

Hey, FOUR BUCKS is almost enough gas money to get me home from GNC!