From the time that the first physique enthusiasts & bodybuilders ever started choking down extra chicken breasts, steaks, and vile concoctions to increase their protein intake for the purposes of gaining muscle; the question of just how much protein is optimal has been debated.  Fast forward more than half a century and people still debate the same question without much of a consensus.  Many people believe that protein is already over consumed by the typical person and bodybuilders and athletes have no need to take in extra, while there are those who will tell you that there is no upper limit to the benefits of protein.  In reality the answer to this question probably lies well within the middle of these two extremes.  The question of protein quantity at a meal and frequency of protein consumption has been debated almost as often as total protein consumption.  Quite often we see the question, “what is the max level of protein that one can benefit from at a meal and how long often should I consume it?” Fortunately for us, this question actually has some data that we can start picking apart to get some general guidelines for protein size and frequency at meals.

Many ‘experts’ or gym know-it-alls out there who will tell you to only consume “X” amount of protein at a meal because only “X” amount of protein can be absorbed by the body at a meal (I’m sure you’ve all heard this one before).  Let this nonsense stop here and now.  To begin with, this entire train of thought isn’t even on the correct track.  Hell it didn’t even depart from the right train station!  Assuming that you have a healthy digestive system, the absorption of the amino acids from a meal containing protein is very efficient and almost never a limiting factor.  Absorption only refers to nutrient uptake & absorption via the digestive track (most absorption occurring in the small intestine).  If our digestive systems didn’t absorb most of what we eat than anytime you had a big meal you would have diarrhea like clockwork from the undigested material in the gut!  It also makes very little sense from an evolutionary standpoint to be very wasteful with nutrients when primitive man may have only been able to eat one large meal in a day at times.  Our species would not have survived very long if we were wasteful with nutrients and did not absorb amino acids beyond a certain level.  In reality, the body has an extremely high capacity for amino acid absorption.  What these people who spout this nonsense are really referring to is amino acid utilization.  You see, even if we absorb 100% of the amino acids we ingest, that doesn’t mean they will all reach the skeletal muscle and input towards building muscle mass.  In actuality a very small percentage are used for that role.  The cells of the small intestine and liver extract a huge amount of amino acids for energy and their own synthesis of new proteins in first pass metabolism before they ever reach the bloodstream!  Once in the bloodstream amino acids can also be taken up and utilized by other tissues such as the kidneys, heart, skin, etc.  So it is not a question of how much protein/amino acids can be absorbed at a meal, rather the question is what level of protein at a meal gives the maximum benefit for muscle building?  Essentially anything below this level would not maximally support muscle building, while at a protein intake above this level, the body would merely oxidize the excess amino acids for energy.

In order to start answering this question of optimal protein intake at a meal we first must make clear as to what defines a “maximum level of benefit” from protein intake.  Using rates of protein synthesis as a measure for this definition is logical as increased rates of protein synthesis would be required for the addition of new skeletal muscle tissue.  To put it more plainly, in order to build muscle the body must increase the rate at which it synthesizes muscle tissue above the baseline rate.  Decreasing the rate of skeletal muscle breakdown also can lead to increased tissue accrual, unfortunately data on protein breakdown is much more difficult to obtain, interpret, and it is much more variable than the synthesis data.  It is very difficult to measure short term changes in skeletal muscle breakdown as it has a very slow turnover rate so the focus on this article will be on protein synthesis, which likely plays more of a regulatory role in tissue accrual/loss in muscle than degradation since synthesis is the more regulated energy dependant process.

To find the optimal level of protein intake at a meal we must determine what the optimal level of protein at a meal for stimulating muscle protein synthesis is.  It appears that maximizing skeletal muscle protein synthesis requires approximately  ~15g of an essential amino acids^1,2.     It has been postulated that the amino acid leucine is responsible for the stimulatory effect of dietary protein on protein synthesis³ and 15g of essential amino acids would contain 3.2g of leucine.  Thus in order to determine how much protein from a specific source is required to elicit the maximal response it may be useful to back calculate how much leucine is contained in the source.  One could then determine how much of the source must be consumed in order to reach the leucine threshold.  For example, whey protein is approximately 12% leucine per gram protein, therefore about 27g of protein from whey would need to be consumed to reach the threshold for maximal anabolism, whereas a source like chicken, which has a protein content of about 7.5% leucine would require 43g of protein to reach the leucine threshold required for maximal stimulation.   So it appears that the maximum benefit level for protein at a meal is varies depending upon the source of protein.  It is important to note that most of these studies were done on individuals who weighed approximately 155-165 lbs on average.  So if you weigh less than this you might want to aim for the lower end of the threshold whereas if you weigh more you may want to aim for the higher end of the threshold.

Now there is the issue of meal frequency and time between meals.  Assuming we maximize protein synthesis by achieving the required leucine/protein threshold, how long does the effect last?  Several studies have shown that the duration of protein synthesis in response to an oral leucine dose or an essential amino acid infusion is approximately two hours long^4,5.  However, these are purified amino acid solutions and are likely to be digested rapidly and in the case of an infusion, no digestion is required at all.  So it is possible that a whole food meal will have a different impact on the duration of protein synthesis than pure amino acids.  Our lab has recently shown that the duration of protein synthesis in response to a complete meal containing protein, carbohydrates, and fats is approximately 3 hours long⁶.  Therefore, it appears that a complete meal slightly prolongs the duration of protein synthesis.  What is interesting about our findings is that while protein synthesis had returned to baseline after 3 hours, plasma amino acid levels were still elevated above baseline and plasma leucine was elevated almost 3x above baseline!  Accordingly, the phosphoryation of the initiation factors 4E-BP1 & p70S6K followed plasma leucine levels and maintained elevated levels of phosphorylation at 3 hours (phosphorylation of these initiation factors is required to start the process of protein synthesis).  Thus it appears that the signal to maintain elevated protein synthesis is still being ‘transmitted’ but for some reason protein synthesis is becomes refractory after a certain period of time.  This is also supported by data from Bohe et al which showed that the duration of protein synthesis in response to an infusion of essential amino acids was only 2 hours long even though the essential amino acids were infused for six hours⁵!  It is unlikely that eating another meal 2-3 hours after the first meal would be sufficient to induce another rise in protein synthesis since amino acid/leucine levels are already elevated anyway.  It may therefore be more useful to consume larger amounts of protein at a meal and wait longer between protein doses than the typical 2-3 hours that is typically recommended in the bodybuilding community.

Now I know you’ve probably spit your protein shake out all over your magazine, ruining it and now you are cursing me for 1) ruining your magazine and 2) telling you the bodybuilding meal eating protocol you’ve been following for so long may not be optimal for making gains.  Well I apologize for ruining your magazine but I won’t apologize for busting on musclehead dogma; that is just what I do.  There is some precedent for what I am recommending however.  Arnal et al⁷ compared elderly women consuming either 4 small meals per day with their total protein intake evenly spaced out verses those that consumed the same amount of protein but with 80% of their total protein coming in one meal.  The researchers found that the women consuming the large single dose of protein actually had greater nitrogen balance, protein turnover, and protein synthesis rates than the group consuming their protein across four evenly spaced meals.  Now the total protein intake for both groups was only 60g so the group consuming protein evenly only consumed 15g at each meal.  Still it is interesting that the group eating almost all of their total protein in one meal had better results.  Perhaps the group consuming the small meals never reached the threshold required to initiate a significant response of protein synthesis at any meal whereas the bolus dose group ate enough protein in at least one meal to initiate have one significant increase in protein synthesis above baseline during the day.  Now I am not in any way shape or form implying that we are better off just consuming one large protein meal per day.  What I am implying is that it is better to consume larger protein doses spaced further apart and maximize protein synthesis, rather than consume smaller doses of protein throughout the day, since research has shown that protein synthesis will become refractory to constantly elevated levels of amino acids.  It may be that a period where amino acids return to baseline or near baseline is required in order to initiate another bout of protein synthesis.  I therefore suggest that one consume 4-6 larger protein doses per day instead of 6-8 meals and wait 4-5 hours between meals rather than 2-3 hours.

At the moment, there is no clear way to overcome the refractory response.  However, there is evidence that supplementing with free form amino acids with carbohydrates between meals may improve protein synthesis compared to normal meals alone⁸.  It is possible that a free form amino acid supplement could spike plasma levels of amino acids to a far greater level than can be achieved with whole foods and perhaps this supraphysiological response is enough to overcome the refractory response.  It is also possible that the carbohydrates in the supplement have an effect.  The insulin time course in the experiment we performed lasted 3 hours, the same as protein synthesis.  Additionally, Wolfe et al. also showed that the timecourse of insulin seemed to track protein synthesis during an essential amino acid infusion⁵.  Perhaps maintaining elevated plasma insulin levels is required to prolong protein synthesis in response to a meal.  In either case, it appears that supplementing with an amino acid supplement containing ~2-3g of leucine along with some carbohydrates (~20-30g) is an effective way to maximize muscle protein synthesis.

Now I will be the first to admit that the research is just not specific or broad enough to address the size and frequency issue with absolute certainty, but I believe these recommendations are a good general starting point.  What is clear is that certain protein sources have a stronger impact on protein synthesis than others, and also that it appears that keeping amino acids constantly elevated by smaller protein doses throughout the day may NOT be optimal.  Hopefully future research will address more specifics with regards to these issues.

—

Dr. Layne Norton has won multiple natural pro cards in bodybuilding, competed in pro contests, married the love if his life, and finally graduated with his PhD in Nutritional Sciences. There is one thing, however that he has yet to do … step on the pro natural stage with top athletes n the world.

2.  Tipton KD, Ferrando AA, Phillips SM, Doyle D Jr, Wolfe RR.  Postexercise net protein synthesis in human muscle from orally administered amino acids.  Am J Physiol. 1999 Apr;276(4 Pt 1):E628-34.

3.  Norton LE, Layman DK.  Leucine regulates translation initiation of protein synthesis in skeletal muscle after exercise.  J Nutr. 2006 Feb;136(2):533S-537S.

4.  Anthony JC, Lang CH, Crozier SJ, Anthony TG, MacLean DA, Kimball SR, Jefferson LS.  Contribution of insulin to the translational control of protein synthesis in skeletal muscle by leucine.
Am J Physiol Endocrinol Metab. 2002 May;282(5):E1092-101.

5.  Bohe J, Low JF, Wolfe RR, Rennie MJ.  Latency and duration of stimulation of human muscle protein synthesis during continuous infusion of amino acids.  J Physiol. 2001 Apr 15;532(Pt 2):575-9.

6.  Norton LE, Layman DK, Bunpo P, Anthony TG, Brana DV, Garlick PJ.  The leucine content  of a complete meal directs peak activation but not duration of skeletal muscle protein synthesis and Mammalian target of rapamycin signaling in rats.  J Nutr. 2009 Jun;139(6):1103-9.

7. Arnal MA, Mosoni L, Boirie Y, Houlier ML, Morin L, Verdier E, Ritz P, Antoine JM, Prugnaud J, Beaufrere B, Mirand PP. pulse feeding improves protein retention in elderly women.  Am J Clin Nutr. 1999 Jun;69(6):1202-8.

8.  Paddon-Jones D, Sheffield-Moore M, Aarsland A, Wolfe RR, Ferrando AA.  Exogenous amino acids stimulate human muscle anabolism without interfering with the response to mixed meal ingestion.  Am J Physiol Endocrinol Metab. 2005 Apr;288(4):E761-7.

Part I

In the bodybuilding world this guy needs no introduction. For the CrossFit and Functional Fitness peeps, let me get you up to speed.

Patrick Arnold or PA as I like to refer to him is an east coast native. He’s an organic chemist who specializes in the research and development of sports supplementation. This guy is to supplements what Robb Wolf is to Paleo, what Greg Glassman is to CrossFit, what Jared is to Subway, and what the Polish are to sausages. As synonymous as Mark McGwire is to home runs! You get the picture.

Funny story actually,  Mark McGwire probably wouldn’t have achieved that record setting season if he didn’t have a little help from the research and development of Patrick Arnold. Patrick introduced the supplement industry to Androstenedione (Andro), which just so happened to be the prohormone Mark McGwire was taking during his record setting season.

Not only that, this dude is so ridiculously passionate about chemistry he actually translated research written in German which led him to develop a designer steroid called tetrahydrogestrinone (THG), more commonly referred to as, “The Clear.”

I know what some of the crossfit purists are thinking right now. The supplement Mark McGwire took was illegal (heaven forbid), and THG was the undetectable steroid that tarnished the career of several Olympic athletes and ignited the BALCO scandal around 2003 after a syringe with trace amounts was obtained and a test was developed in the UCLA Olympic Analytical Laboratory. Holy shit right?

Marion Jones

Put any thoughts of judgment and emotion aside for just one minute now, and hear me out. Let’s look at this objectively. Patrick was just a guy with a lot of drive to unearth tools in performance that had never been used before. He worked hard to achieve elite status through unconventional and innovative methods. Sound familiar?

When Patrick introduced Andro it wasn’t illegal. Shit, I remember in high school everyone was taking it including my dorky, super skinny, stoner friend Senone. Senone, Jesse, and I would train at the YMCA after school 5 days a week and talk supplements. I believe I was taking this awful fat burner called Agent Orange and Jesse was taking good ole’ creatine fartohydrate. Those were the days! In hindsight as much as I scoff to admit it, Senone was the smartest out of all of us. Long story short, the FDA caught wind that it worked and banned it. I’ll save the discussion of pharmaceuticals, supplements, OTC drugs, and the FDA for another day.

Victor Conte

As far as the steroids go let me just disclose a bit about Patrick’s character. He made something truly remarkable and excitedly sold it. He didn’t sedate people and inject them with steroids without their consent.  He got busted and went to prison. He took full responsibility, did his time, and kept his mouth shut. He never sold out, rolled, or squealed on anyone and its 10 years later. The same can’t be said for the BALCO founder Victor Conte who bought the THG for distribution. That isn’t exactly shocking. Anyone who’s watched Pineapple Express and Breaking Bad knows you never trust a drug dealer.

Patrick on the Outside

Undeterred post prison Patrick continued his work in the supplement industry legally. He HAS to be legal or he gets the hose again. Plus he welcomes a challenge. How can he put out products that work with the resources he’s got? It hasn’t come without setbacks. Patrick has continued to put out quality supplements that work even with the DEA jammed so uncomfortably far up his ass the man forever walks funny. So far in fact that one day they took it upon themselves to seize and raid his beautiful 40,000 sq. ft lab and manufacturing facility in 2009 because a couple of baseball players failed a drug test and blamed it on Patrick’s new product called 6-OXO.

The product sample was tested and found to be insufficient in producing a positive drug test, but the damage was done. The lab was destroyed, and all the equipment. Patrick’s proverbial Ferrari went to auction. He was left standing in the rubble with a heavy heart, swallowing another emotional set back, and 6-OXO was pulled off the market.  So long to another effective supplement. May it rest in peace.

These are circumstances that would make an ordinary man throw in the towel and pick a new profession, but Patrick and his business partner Lakhan Boodram continue their work slowly rebuilding with very little capital. I have asked Patrick on more than one occasion. What the hell man? Why don’t you just write a book about the industry, steroids, and debauchery, or go make six figures for an oil company?… something! His answer is simple and the same every time. “Because I’ll never sell out, I can’t imagine doing anything else, and I’ll never leave my business partner hanging.” I don’t blame the guy one bit. That whole book thing didn’t work out so well for Conseco.

It’s admirable to run across honest people that are in a business so cloaked with scandal and exceeding the allowable per capita of swindlers, hustlers, cheaters, liars, and narcissists. The guy is just a good human. The cool thing about Patrick is he’s one of us. He’s approachable and down to earth, and in addition to being a supplement savant, the man actually knows a thing or two about training.

Stay tuned for the interview half of this series where I have Patrick weigh in on training, what he thinks about CrossFit, supplemental things, and a few shenanigans including the cat outside his lab that’s stalking him and possibly some dating advice for fitness minded ladies (wish me luck there). Feel free to check him out anytime at patrickarnoldblog.com.

I’ve been training at the Mecca of Bodybuilding — Gold’s Gym Venice — for the past two years and during that time, my allotment of free samples from neighboring supplement stores — GNC, Vitamin Shoppe, Power Nutrition, MaxMuscle and all my other neighbors here in LA — has allowed me to taste more protein bars than any human being should ever be forced to endure.

Certain moments in my protein bar tasting history stand out for me: The first time I ever choked down a disgusting, original sawdust MetRx bar; my first bite of a delicious Cookies n Cream Promax bar that had me inspecting the ingredient list for the word ‘protein’; my brief but torrid love affair with the original Labrada Nutrition PBJ bar (later cancelled); and more recently, my positive experience with Oh Yeah!

But those protein highlights are darkened by a myriad of nameless, faceless one-night stands with protein bars neither memorable or exotic enough to inspire a second date. And despite my addiction to ProMax’s amazingly tasty protein bars, I could never shake the feeling that I was eating CANDY and not FOOD.

So imagine my excitement last week when I saw an attractive young woman standing outside Gold’s Gym offering samples of three different flavors of a new type of protein bar. And by ‘new’, I mean one that wasn’t loaded with words I couldn’t pronounce and colors I couldn’t see and artificial sweeteners that I wished I couldn’t taste.

Before diving in to the Almond Raisin protein cube in front of me, I took a moment to inspect the packaging. It was WHITE. And not glossy, shiny, reflective, make-my-pupils-dilate-white. RECYCLED WHITE. Hmmmm…I thought, how will they compete with the day-glo oranges, shimmery blues, neon reds and glow-in-the-dark green labels that seem to permeate the industry in an attempt to differentiate themselves? I was further impressed by the label which contained the word ‘FOOD’ instead of claims of increasing muscle mass by 3286%. Honesty: A novel concept. I knew immediately from experience that this product would have to stand on its own merit and garner word-of-mouth to be able to grab some shelf space in the crowded supplement aisles.

I dropped the Raw Almond Raisin cube in my mouth and it practically melted. It was like a moist drop of fresh steel-cut oats covered in almonds and raisins. No weird flavors detected. No after-taste. I quickly grabbed a bar and flipped it over to the ingredient list:

Whole Oats, Almonds, Raisins, Whey Protein (Milk), Ground Spices.

That’s it! No Xylitol. No Carageenan. No Witch’s Mole or Eye of Newt. Just REAL FOOD.

I was more than a little impressed. And then I looked at the Nutrient Facts: 18g of protein. WOW!

Deep down inside, I’ve always felt the difference between having a REAL bowl of oatmeal and fresh fruit in the morning vs. downing a protein bar, but finally, it seemed, the two worlds had merged into one.

I skipped the Cacao flavor (personal preference) and dove right in to the Raw Walnut Banana. Whoa! My tastebuds jumped up, did two flips, a 360 flying roundhouse kick, and nailed a perfect 10.0 landing. Ingredients: Whole Oats, Walnuts, Whey Protein (Milk), Raisins, Bananas, Ground Spices. I proceeded to distract the demo lady while surreptitiously swiping and eating all of the remaining cubes on her tray.

I was blown away by the flavor, texture and ‘whole foodiness’ of these. It was just way too ‘fresh’ to be possible. Or was it?

I asked the rep how they could use fresh ingredients without preservatives and that’s when I knew I had stumbled on the ‘next big thing’ — she told me the bars must be eaten within about a WEEK of production or else it has to be REFRIGERATED!! You know, like REAL FOOD!

Holy Cow! Fresh food. Real food. Amazing taste. No fillers. No chemicals. No preservatives. No junk.

It was like Moses parting the Red Sea while Jesus was walking on top of it — Two Miracles in One Bar!

Priced around $4/bar and available via either mail order or at your local Whole Foods, it’s worth every red cent.

An Unbiased Review by Special Ed

I’m not exactly what anyone would call ‘high maintenance’ — I’ve slept on rooftops when tired, drank people’s leftover alcoholic beverages in bars when thirsty (and drunk) and jacked off to my aunt when horny.

But when it comes to meal replacement bars, I think I have a right to be somewhat demanding — after all, if I’m being sold an expensive alternative to Ramen noodles, don’t I at least have the right to expect something more tasty and nutritious??

With the release of their god-awful Syntha-6 Decadence protein bar, BSN’s answer is a resounding NO.

There’s a few ways companies can do protein bars — they can go Promax on us and deliver a bar that tastes so good we assume they’re totally full of shit when claiming 20g of protein per bar. Or they can go the Ohh Yeah! route and pack their bar with real food like peanuts to mask the taste of the interior. And then sadly there’s a few companies that go the LCD way.

And by LCD, I mean Lowest Common Denominator.

As in let’s throw together the cheapest bar possible with the shittiest ingredients imaginable and use the immigrant factory workers as laborers, insect exterminators AND taste-testers.

I don’t know whether to rag on the nasty cocoa xylitol, the excess sodium, or the terrible texture (think chewing gum meets stale peanut butter) but suffice to say there’s not much to like about the BSN Syntha-6 Decadence bar.

Even the wrapper looks like a cheap afterthought.

If BSN is going to follow in Muscletech’s footsteps by bringing us fourth-rate, outsourced, garbage LCD products unfit for consumption by starving Cambodians, then the least they could do is put some effort into the marketing by fabricating 8-page advertorials with great copywriting.

But no. BSN was content to treat Ronnie Coleman like a politician’s Guatemalan whore-servant to convince the hardcore bodybuilding douche that they actually cared about bodybuilders, only to go running into the arms of MMA and every other sport in a full-fledged assault to prove that their true motive was nothing more than to gain entree into the Walmarts of the world to sell the cheapest possible ingredients to the most ignorant possible citizens with margins so slim that to actually have a focus group stop and taste this garbage would probably cause them to lose money.

It may taste like horseshit, but BSN’s Syntha-6 Defecation stands tall as a sad testament to the American marketing machine: If you build it (and package it in shiny red), they will come.

I hear people rambling on about quality protein and nonsense like that. Back in the 70′s everyone including Arnold used Calcium Caseinate (Milk Protein) and those guys looked insane (Mentzer, Platz, Padilla, Robinson). Then in the 80′s, Egg Albumin (Egg protein) became the rage. Remember? Perfect 4.0 protein on the quality protein scale they’d show you on the Weider container?

Then soy protein made a brief comeback and now it’s whey protein. But not just whey protein. No, of course it has to be more complicated. Whey protein isolate works ‘much better’ than whey protein concentrate (yeah right) which is superior to the perfect egg protein which is better than soy which is better than the milk protein that built all of the guys that today’s crop of oilbags can’t hold a candle to.

In every industry, they have product cycles that last anywhere from 1-7 years. When the cycle has been exhausted, they reinvent the wheel. What’s outdated becomes fresh. What’s old is new. What’s forgotten is suddenly remembered.

A close friend of mine ran global product development for a major cosmetics company for ten years. It was IDENTICAL to the supplement biz right down to how they prey upon the ignorance, the hopes, the short memory, and the vanity of the consumer.

Let’s take a product like foundation that all women use to mask their freckles, acne, blotches and other facial imperfections. You could buy maybelline foundation for $5 a bottle. Or you could buy Loreal foundation for $15 a bottle. If you are rich, you might buy Lancome for $50 a bottle. But it really doesn’t matter because it’s all made in the same factory, formulated in the same lab, and contains the same ingredients. The only difference is the packaging and the marketing.

Do women know this? Many of them do. But they would always still buy Lancome over Maybelline. Even knowing it’s the identical product, they will still prefer to purchase the more expensive product. Why? Because of how it makes them feel INSIDE to spend more money, have a nicer looking product, and know that Catherine Zeta Jones wears the same product as they do.

All of us KNOW that bodybuilders today look WORSE than the bodybuilders of the 70′s and 80′s. Despite having BETTER EQUIPPED GYMS. Despite having MORE KNOWLEDGE. Despite having ACCESS TO MORE INFORMATION.

But are today’s SUPPLEMENTS really any better or superior to those from the 70′s and 80′s?

Because we KNOW that today’s bodybuilders are eating MORE PROTEIN, shooting MORE STEROIDS, using MORE INSULIN, and pinning themselves with MORE GROWTH HORMONE.

We buy the WHEY PROTEIN ISOLATE and any other shiny supplement for the same reasons a girl buys Lancome. We REALLY REALLY want to believe that’s how Jay Cutler got so big. We REALLY REALLY want to believe we too can get HUGE or RIPPED if we take this product.

But I challenge you to use Google Images to set your mind straight. Look at photos of the bodybuilders of the 70′s who were using a fraction of today’s drugs. Tom Platz’s legs built WITHOUT a PRE WORKOUT FORMULA. Danny Padilla’s physique built WITHOUT an NO ‘supplement and Arnold’s chest and arms built WITHOUT any of this WHEY PROTEIN ISOLATE garbage.

Gentlemen, we have been fooled to the 99th degree. The supplement companies took a page out of the women’s playbook that feeds upon a woman’s innate insecurity and they used that play on us.

Today’s bodybuilders look worse than ever before. You’d be hard pressed to find ANY BODYBUILDER in ANY GYM with a dense quality physique as seen on Mentzer back in the day.

And for you modern day guys, make no mistake: Our very own KEVIN LEVRONE NEVER USED ANY SUPPLEMENTS. NOTHING!

I challenge each and every one of you to THROW OUT YOUR WHEY PROTEIN ISOLATE. Or at least put it away in the garage or basement (don’t worry, the bugs won’t go near it). Double your milk intake, eat your chicken breasts and fish and continue eating your eggs. Try it for 30 days and tell me if you got weaker. Tell me if you got smaller. Because YOU WON’T!!

Take the MuscleWeek Protein Challenge and report back to us with your results.

This challenge could save you THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS over your lifetime and THOUSANDS OF HOURS in shopping and cleaning protein shakers.

Gentlemen, the gauntlet has been thrown down. Will you accept the PROTEIN CHALLENGE?

So seeing how I fit in to that category, I decided to take a shot at Jack3d and give myself the most amazing pre-workout EVER!

Being the conservative guy that I am, I decided to stick with the entry-level Lemon-Lime flavor rather than roll the dice with some bastardization of Grape Bubblegum or White Blue Raspberry. I was hoping for something along the lines of Gatorade original, and thankfully, that’s exactly how it smelt when I tore open my sample pack.

But before mixing with water, I noticed a dire warning printed on the label. Yes, the dreaded ‘Black Box Warning’:

This Product Produces An Intense Sensation Of Drive, Focus, Energy, Motiviation & Awareness. In Addition, It Allows For Rapid Increases In Strength, Speed, Power & Endurance. Therefore, Extreme Caution Must Be Exercised & Should Not Be Used By Novice Athletes.

Now I must admit — this made me more than a little nervous. After all, despite my trophy rack consisting of championships earned at Chess, Scrabble, and QuakeCon, I still considered myself something of a Novice Athlete. To be honest, I was slightly dumbfounded.

Was USP Labs trying to imply that one needed to be a Professional Athlete to ingest this wondrous concoction? But then I thought about that pimply-faced, chubby teen who came running into the GNC right before closing, heaving and puffing after having sprinted three stores down from his Hot Topic cashier position, and I thought to myself: If he can use Jack3d, then gosh darn it, so can this pimply-faced, chubby old man who can’t even run the length of two stores without heaving and puffing.

I poured the contents of the pouch into my 8 oz of distilled water because nothing screams ‘Hardcore Bodybuilding’ to the wannabes at Gold’s Venice like a bottle of distilled water — especially when I announce to the camera Levrone-style — ‘Eight Ounces of Jack3d…in yo face!’ with each rep of sipping.

Jack3d tasted better than I expected — not quite Gatorade level, but certainly better than Powerade — but the real test would be the workout.

I cleared out a section of the gym where the incline benches are located (a loud and toxic, pre-workout fart blast can do that) and I got to work. I banged out 20 pushups as a warm up and it felt like butter. I was ready to dig deep.

I loaded the bar up with 135. Sure, it’s “light weight” to Ronnie Coleman but it’s downright “average” to us mortals with low testosterone. BOOM! I rocked out 15 reps with a form so sweet, the gals on the elliptical machines right in front of me were smiling and licking their lips in approval (either that or they were watching a Ryan Reynolds interview on Extra).

I tossed another couple of ‘Magnums’ (45’s) on the bar and braced myself. You know how it goes — if 225 feels heavy, it’s not gonna be a good day. I squeezed my shoulder blades together like Ryan Kennelly and held my breath like Scot Mendelson and screamed like Tori Black as I lifted off. The 225 was steady as I held my arms in the locked position over my erect nipples. Yes, I thought! I’m gonna crush this!

I lowered the bar in a controlled manner so I could feel every fiber in my pecs coming to life, just like Dorian told me to do (or Dorian’s MD article told me. Or Dorian told MD Ghostwriter Ron Harris. Or Ron Harris just made that up.) And then it touched my chest and I exploded. I arched my back, exhaled, and grunted so loud a Planet Fitness lunk alarm went off 12 miles away in the Valley.

But nothing happened.

The 225 just sat there on my chest like a female bodybuilder paid to sit there and spit in my face. Except this time, I wasn’t paying for the humiliation.

Help, I whispered.

But the figure girls on the elliptical had moved on from gossiping about Ryan Reynolds to openly negotiating prices for Trenbolone.

I tried to tilt the bar to make the plates slide off, but then I remembered that I was the ONLY schmuck in the 60 year Gold’s Venice history who had ever placed collars on the barbell. Fuck!!!

My pride stopped me from crying out like a girly-man, but it didn’t stop me from flopping my legs around like those speared-Dolphins from The Cove.

Finally, someone noticed.

And it wasn’t just anyone — it was Rico McClinton!

Yes, THE Rico McClinton — a controversial 3rd place winner at the 1999 NPC Nationals!!

He swooped in like one of Lee Priest’s 37 Superman tattoos and grabbed the bar and in one easy motion, spared my life and won the hearts and minds of MuscleWeekers everywhere.

I graciously thanked him and offered him some of my Jack3d backwash lingering at the bottom of my bottle, but he politely declined.

I stared into the bottle looking for a scapegoat for my faux pas. Could I blame Jack3d for my failed lift?

Of course not. I’d never gone higher than 185 on the incline bench, and even then I needed a spot to move the bar two inches.

But the point is that Jack3d (and its Black Box Warning) gave me the courage to try.

And isn’t that what Bodybuilding is really about? Throwing caution to the wind and putting strange, unknown substances with lengthy warnings into your body in the hopes that you’ll derive some muscular benefit therefrom?

To which I can only respond to myself: HELLZ YEAH!

During a recent and rare sojourn into GNC at the Jefferson Valley Mall, about two miles from Gregg Valentino’s arms, I spied something equally lumpy in a shiny brown wrapper, marked down to half-price: OHYEAH!, it read. But before you can say “Gayer than ice dancing with Clay Aiken”, I chose to look past the porn-influenced name and give this bar a shot. Oddly, before I could even sample it, I told MW Senior Editor Blockhead about my recent purchases and when I mentioned the ‘Oh Yeah’ bar, he quickly said, “That’s my favorite” before clarifying that ISS Research’s Strawberry Flavor was his preferred bar. (Insert fruity joke here!) So there I was — just me and my Ohyeah Protein Bar.

I had selected the Peanut Bar and the first thing I noticed after unwrapping it was how delicious it looked. Trust me, I’ve eaten more than my fair share of candy bars, and I was drooling before I even took a bite. Unlike those companies that drape their inedible protein in a black layer of stale chocolate (or worse, carob!), ISS drapes the Oh Yeah bar in an attractive beige peanut butter coating that barely covered the ample amount of peanuts just beneath the surface. I took a big bite. SCRUMPTIOUS! The crunchy nuts and outer peanut butter layer provided the perfect balance for what appeared to be a dark chocolate protein log inside the bar. ISS wisely masked the flavor of the bland protein mix with fresh peanuts and high quality chocolate and I didn’t taste anything except for what they wanted me to.

I finished the bar in record time and without any beverage needed to wash it down. Most importantly, I actually came close to eating a second bar in the same sitting because it really did taste that great. I’m happy to report that ISS is a company that actually does a bit of taste-testing to deliver a scrumptious, high-quality product that I highly recommend.

Ed. Note: I took away one star for making me say ‘Oh Yeah’ to a pimply-faced teenage boy at the GNC counter.

I sat there, telephone to my ear, rapt with attention and awaiting the Secret of the Nimh. I bounced on my bed in excitement. I was about to get my first peek inside the Lost Ark. That magic elixir was firmly within my grasp. All I had to do was sit back and listen:

‘Oh, Vince doesn’t eat anything except pizza and coke. Oh how he loves his pizza and coke. That’s pretty much all he eats!’

Surely this must be the sound of early onset dementia. Surely this old woman needs to be dragged to the nearest nursing home and robbed of her jewelry.

‘Are you sure?’ I asked. ‘Because most guys eat like chicken and fish and stuff.’

Giving her another chance. A way to stay out of that Seizure Village Old Folks place.

‘Oh, I’m sure. After all, I’m his momma. No, Vince just eats pizza and drinks them cans of coke all day long.’

‘Diet?’ I asked, taking copious and thorough notes with my trusty pencil and notepad.

‘No, not diet. Just regular Coke,’ she said.

Clearly losing it. Or perhaps she was part of the plan to deny Special Ed his future pro card. I had to test her one final time.

‘Ohhh, the regular Coke,’ I replied, ‘that comes in the silver can.’

Got her!

‘No, no, no. You need to get the wax out of your ears boy. I said ‘REGULAR COKE’. In the RED can.’

Damn you!

Damn you, Vince!

Damn you, Gramma Taylor!

Damn you all to hell!

RIP Gramma Taylor

As I took it with my Code Red Mountain Dew (hey, caffeine + loads of sugar = alert driving!) to the cash register, I took another look at the front: Quadruple Layer! I was so excited I nearly took a bite without unwrapping it. I got back to my Bentley (okay, Murano) and opened it up. In the darkness of my car, I bit into the chocolate coating, felt my teeth sink into and then beyond the second layer of nuts, pass into the exoskeleton of caramel, before reaching the protein core. But instead of saying, “Yummy” or “Wow!”, I shouted, “Bullshit!”  How in God’s name can a company claim that a bar as sweet and gooey and scrumptious as this has 30 grams of protein hidden inside? Or even more preposterously, only 4 grams of simple carbs?? Who do they think they’re fooling? Okay, so I don’t really look like I work out, but do I really look that naïve?

I took another few bites and put the bar down somewhere between the gear shift and the change bucket.  Perhaps my road-weariness and hunger had turned me into some sort of hallucinogenic nomad wandering through the desert, so feverishly and desperately looking for water that he not only imagines that the sand he’s eating is water, but smiles on the verge of death’s door, happily basking in the sun as his sand-filled stomach offers him satisfying relief. In my state, I decided to leave half of the bar for later consumption.

The bar sat in an open plastic bag on my parents’ granite kitchen countertop for the next four days, without any protection from the elements (or cat hair).  At one point my mother took a peek inside the bag and pulled out something labeled “Beyond Ripped”.  Reading the label aloud, she simply laughed and pointed at my belly. Ahhh, self-esteem is a wonderful thing. On the fifth day, I took pity on the remnants of Mr. Supreme Protein and took a fresh bite. What the f*ck!?!? Those goddamn liars did it again!! It actually tasted better after five days at room temperature! This wasn’t a protein bar – it was a mad scientist’s experiment with some futuristic food substances that surely required the services of a 1985 DeLorean and magical clocktower to obtain. Unfair? Yes. Delicious? Absolutely. Liars? Hmmmm….

Rating: SUPREME (Liars?) ***** (Five Stars) out of ***** (Five)

Amended Comment: The quality of these bars has gone WAYYYYYYY down since this original review was published. Expect a new review right here soon!

“I’m going to review your bar and put it on the net,” I warn them, “so pick your best flavor.”

Like Donald Trump and his cronies on The Apprentice, the dorkasaurus and the two unattractive women at the booth briefly put their three ugly Cerberus heads together and announce, “Almond Caramel Crunch” in unison. I stare at them suspiciously for a moment. And then it hits me. Holy fuckwits, Batman! How the hell did the three ugliest people in the entire building all wind up in the same booth? Are they too cheap to shell out $50 for a hot fitness skank with implants and a thong to stand there for ten hours?

I bite into the bar, with these three people now staring intently at my mouth as it chews. And chews. And chews. The bar sticks to every corner of my mouth. I continue chewing as my eyes frantically search for a bottle of anything to wash this shit down. Mr. Propecia seems to sense my desperation but for some strange reason feels compelled to offer up a cheerful “We’re the best-selling bar in the country right now!”

“Manks a fumkin lot,” I reply. Here I am practically choking on his shitty bar, wondering what an improvement it will make when I spit it out onto his face, and this twink has the nerve to fabricate some phony sales statistics. For fuck’s sake, if this piece of insoluble dog crap is the best-selling protein bar in the country, Obama has fucked up America even worse than I thought.

With great determination and effort, I somehow get down the last of the bar and spend a few moments trying to trigger my saliva glands to get the remnants of this sludge down my esophagus. I sense that my audience senses my disappointment. They don’t even offer a full bar or suggest a different flavor for me to try. ‘FAIL’ is written all over their faces.

I quickly place the odds that in precisely one year the three of them will be unemployed at exactly 2:1.

Rating: ** (Two Stars) out of ***** (five)

I’ve tasted worse but never in the presence of such misplaced pride in a crappy product.